I sometimes feel like I missed out on important lessons while growing up. Some are pretty trivial, like how to apply makeup well and the importance of pre-treating stains on clothing. Others, like how to keep a clean house and perform regular maintenance on your car, would be nice to have as established habits. And still others, like how to set and reach goals and how not to care what people think of you, are things that are really missing. When I was a kid, I assumed that there was this magical age you reached where you would automatically know how to do these kind of things and you would just do them automatically. If this age exists (and I'm starting to doubt it), I'm certainly not anywhere near it yet.
I find myself frequently stressed by the idea that people may be coming over and the dishes aren't anywhere near done and the floor needs swept and I have a stain on my pants and my entree is served cold but I don't want to send it back because the server is busy.
Intellectually, I know that this is silly. I'm not being thought less of because I have dust bunnies running around with my real bunny and the restaurant screwed up their timing and I want to eat a hot dinner. And if I am, who cares? I frequently counsel the kids I work with to ignore those who aren't kind to them, who are judgemental, who treat them poorly. I teach assertive communication and healthy boundaries and activities of daily living day-in and day-out. I wonder what the kiddos would think if they knew I have never sent back a dish at a restaurant and I accept the stock answer, no matter how unhelpful, anytime I deal with customer service. Hell...I got eaten alive by bedbugs last time I flew and, after receiving an unhelpful response via phone, all I did was write an email to the US Airways customer service e-box asking them to please check the plane so others don't have to go through the same experience.
Emotionally, I feel like I am not a normal, fully-functioning adult who is able to do all of these things. All my friends can and do send food back if it's not to their liking, or stay on the phone with customer service to get their issues resolved. They know how to apply makeup and keep their houses clean and all of that other stuff I don't. What makes me different from them? Why is it I can't just do the things I tell my kiddos to do. Try sending a meal back. Look, the world doesn't end! Don't worry about your floor, who's looking under the couch anyways? Stick up for yourself sometimes. You deserve it just as much as anyone else.
With all the school I've been through and all the experiences I've sought, I feel like I missed out on the "Life 101" classes.
I find myself frequently stressed by the idea that people may be coming over and the dishes aren't anywhere near done and the floor needs swept and I have a stain on my pants and my entree is served cold but I don't want to send it back because the server is busy.
Intellectually, I know that this is silly. I'm not being thought less of because I have dust bunnies running around with my real bunny and the restaurant screwed up their timing and I want to eat a hot dinner. And if I am, who cares? I frequently counsel the kids I work with to ignore those who aren't kind to them, who are judgemental, who treat them poorly. I teach assertive communication and healthy boundaries and activities of daily living day-in and day-out. I wonder what the kiddos would think if they knew I have never sent back a dish at a restaurant and I accept the stock answer, no matter how unhelpful, anytime I deal with customer service. Hell...I got eaten alive by bedbugs last time I flew and, after receiving an unhelpful response via phone, all I did was write an email to the US Airways customer service e-box asking them to please check the plane so others don't have to go through the same experience.
Emotionally, I feel like I am not a normal, fully-functioning adult who is able to do all of these things. All my friends can and do send food back if it's not to their liking, or stay on the phone with customer service to get their issues resolved. They know how to apply makeup and keep their houses clean and all of that other stuff I don't. What makes me different from them? Why is it I can't just do the things I tell my kiddos to do. Try sending a meal back. Look, the world doesn't end! Don't worry about your floor, who's looking under the couch anyways? Stick up for yourself sometimes. You deserve it just as much as anyone else.
With all the school I've been through and all the experiences I've sought, I feel like I missed out on the "Life 101" classes.
Unfortunately, a lot of life lessons come from living and learning as you go when you become an adult (hooray for trial & error, right?). Sometimes parents and other relatives may or may not have the time (or even the knowledge themselves) to teach kids things that are good to know in future. I feel like this is something that everyone feels at some point in their life. I look back at things like home economics in middle school and think of how pointless it really was- why didn't they teach how to budget, or change a tire, balance a checkbook, or simple lessons on how to cook, or how things depreciate over time (if you want to say, sell your car, in the future)? My sister-in-law flat out refuses to teach her children how to cook- my oldest niece is 15 and I can't help but think how she's going to go out into the world in a few short years and not know the basics of food preparation for such an important life skill- and every time I think about this I can't help but get angry. To just not know something and not teach your children is one thing, but to know the skill and refuse to pass it on is another.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way when people come over except my focus is on the bathroom (in an "OMG I have to clean the toilet and sink before people come over!!! AHHH!" sort of way...) But it's only really the person who is panicking that is the one who is being judgmental- I've found that the guests generally don't care, even if I'm trying to make a good impression.
On the dinner being served cold front- it really does come back to trial & error. Besides having people over to boost my social meter, I frequently have dinner parties to, 1) have a good excuse to actually clean my house [and actually do it], and 2) with the increase in dinner parties, the more I can figure out how to budget my cooking time so by the time guests arrive, dinner is either cooking itself OR it's just cooling enough to eat. When I first started having people over, I kid you not, it was a nightmare. But I have it down to a science now. (If you need any help with that, please give me a call. I love helping people!)
I can assure you that there is nothing wrong with you. (I like you bunches!) It sounds as if you are just lacking in confidence/assertiveness to achieve your goals, even if it's just to return a dish to the kitchen at a restaurant.
True story: I used to be painfully shy. (Seems bizarre, right.) I wish I were kidding when I tell you that whenever I would go over Nick's parents house, I would hover next to the front door and not budge for lengthy periods of time (EVERY time I went over. For years.). I was kind of like Eeyore. I still have panic attacks for no reason and when I'm in crowds. But at some point I made a New Year's resolution- one of the few that I did actually keep- to be more assertive. It's hard, believe me. But I still try to stick to it even if my heart feels like it's going to explode from my chest- I realized I can't just let people walk all over me. You don't need to let people do that either.
And you're right- you DO deserve to stick up for yourself. Just take a deep breath and go for it. I know you can do it!